unqualified

I heard his helpless scream down the hallway. As my eyes beheld the person making the awful noise that disturbed everyone on the hall, I felt pity for the man. both legs were removed leaving nothing but fresh stubs- his left hand consisted of a nub with an aged scar across it- his right hand had only 2 nubs for digits and an even older scar for a hand. As his eyes blankly stared at me and seemed to follow me or at least my voice- then I realized this poor man was blind to boot. My heart hurt for what he might be going through- but boy was he mean!

As I stood in attempt to console the man, as well as treat his extremely low blood sugar- it seemed hopeless… not in treating his low blood sugar but to appease the yelling and hateful attitude. 

As we bantered back & forth- meeting his needs & him being thankful one moment, then not meeting his need to wake up his entire family via phone calls & want of chocolate (for an uncontrolled diabetic)- I was called every name in the book. It all seemed to bounce off after being a nurse after so many years. nothing personal- I remind myself. he is just scared & lashing out- I repeat it with every harsh word. 

As his next comment came out… I was blank. Almost 10 years of nursing & I had yet to hear this one.     It made me stop.   It made me think.   

“You are unqualified to be a nurse.”

I brushed it off. Never thought of it till tonight in conversation with a friend. 

Again, it made me stop- think…

Unqualified. 

As I began reading my new book in the mail- I chuckled- when did I order this book & how funny the timing? My book, by Steven Furtick, was entitled (un)qualified: how God uses broken people to do big things.

The accused words by the man replayed in my mind… "What to you sir, makes me unqualified to care for you tonight? Because according to the State of Pennsylvania & the Army- they believe I am highly qualified to care for you. As well as this facility that you willingly came to. Plus, I am very confident that I am highly qualified to care for you as your nurse tonight.

His response was- well that’s for me to know & you to find out.

I laughed. 

I laugh even now- but with slight hesitation. 

Am i qualified? 

My question doesn't challenge my ability or degree or knowledge or skill— its much deeper than that. I know that I am qualified to be a nurse and am confident that I am a good nurse & enjoy what I do. But am I qualified to do the other things in life? 

With the start of each day, the battle ensues- barely noticeable at first, till by the end of the day, it is full on internal fight for life

fighting feelings of inadequacy- insufficiency

what if I fail? what if my failures shipwreck others along the way?

then I read it… “it’s about understanding who we really are now in order to be who we are capable of becoming. it’s about ruthlessly peeling back the prejudices & assumptions we’ve made about ourselves. It’s about letting God be our source of sufficiency.”

my inward struggle

not what others think of me- I could really care less about that. 

It is about what I think of me. 

I continued to read. 

“We tend to qualify people based on character & competency. Character refers to who we are & competency refers to what we do. Our competency is usually much more at the forefront that our character. It is so intricately connected to our identity that we often think it is our identity.” 

Did you hear that???

How do you view yourself, April?

My identity 

What makes me April

As I began to list things- it felt awkward… selfish… conceited… then I heard, "But I view you as these things, April"

I sighed 

If I pray for Him to help me view others as He views them & love others as He loves them, would He not be excited for me to ask the same for myself? 

I am unqualified in life & love & job, but I know who qualifies me everyday- especially to do nursing.

So… how do I let God be my source of sufficiency day in & day out- before the battle begins? 

I’ll begin where He first taught me