Disappointment

After going through my life changing event- I found that there are times where life is just happening. I am in the mundane of another day- feeling nothing or feeling too much.
I have found myself with many questions for God. Ones I had never asked before or thought would ever come up.

Why did you allow things to happen this way?

Why didn’t you intervene? Why didn’t you change one small thing that would send things in a different direction?

Why?

God asked me to just say what I felt- “I can handle what you want to say.”

So I said it… I am disappointed that You didn’t do something.

I said it.

I don’t feel any better. I actually feel worse.

I am disappointed in God.

The silence hit

My mind was frozen only for a moment, then I heard Him say, “my love is not forced.”

Tears start streaming down my face.

How do I overcome this God? How do I stop living with the hurt of disappointment?

I have been disappointed so many times in my life by people who love me, how do I continue to walk in life trying to love people as You ask me to do?

How did Jesus do this? He was betrayed by those closest to Him. His own family laughed at Him. Those who claimed to love Him threw him to the wolves. How did He do this?

I verbalized that men were disappointing. I verbalized that I would rather be alone, unmarried, without children of my own the rest of my life than live a life with a disappointing man.

I heard the song Heroes by Amanda Cook- “teach my feet to dance on disappointment.”

It has stuck with me for weeks.

How God? How do I get out of the rut of disappointment?  How do I dance on disappointment?

He has started reminding me of my imperfections and how He makes me perfect. He reminded me what He did do during my life changing event. He reminded me that there are good godly men in the world by giving my visions of my brother and his family, a few of his friends, and a few around me.

How quickly I have forgotten.

Yes- life has not gone the way I would liked it to, but within me & around me- it has become so much of what He originally designed. My daily communion with Him- my relationship that never ceases is what the goal of life really is.

Isn’t that why He created us in the first place? He wanted a creature made in His image that would choose to daily walk with Him & talk to Him & love Him freely.

I must choose to continue to do that even when people choose to hurt me, disappoint me, or even love me. That must never change.

Really and truly He has not disappointment me- my disappointment comes from my wants/picture not being met & a man choosing to change his path in life without me. And that… I have to accept & move on.

In this morning’s quiet time, I read the words to a hymn written by Reginald Heber in 1826…

Holy Holy Holy! Lord God Almighty! Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee. Holy Holy Holy, merciful and mighty! God in three Persons blessed Trinity! Holy Holy Holy! All saints adore Thee, casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea; Cherubim & Seraphin falling down before Thee, who was, and is, and evermore shall be. Holy Holy Holy! Though the darkness hid Thee, though the eye of sinful man Thy glory may not see; only thou art holy; there is none beside Thee, perfect in power, in love and purity. Holy Holy Holy! Lord God Almighty! All thy works shall praise Thy name, in earth and sky and sea; Holy Holy Holy; merciful and mighty! God in three Persons blessed Trinity!

“Herber learned that God is not like men; He does not fail. We see everything through the lens of our own experiences, and it’s difficult not to let our sight be marred and limited by our own impurity and sin. To understand God as He is, perfect in power, love and purity, will change how we see our world- disappointments, plans, and joys.”

focused fear

During the preparation period before departing for Nigeria, I was made aware of fear.

What was fear? Fear is worry, dread, anxiety, distress, alarm, panic, opposite of assurance.

What were my fears?

Death or dying… no

Snakes or spiders or bugs… no

Small tight spaces or elevators… no

What is your greatest fear?

Is it something staring you in the face at present? Or is it something you have placed very distant from you & try to avoid?

On my very long flights to Africa, I had plenty of time to ponder them.

What were my greatest fears?

After figuring them out, I began reading a book on fear- “In a pit with a lion on a snowy day.”

Frightening concept, huh?!

But it isn’t meant to be.

I am learning how to reorder my fear, so that it isn’t fearful at all.

God did not give us a spirit of fear… quite the opposite… He gave us a spirit of sound mind & a peaceable spirit.

How is this done?

Focus…

I answered one question with another… what are you focusing on?

The enemy is out to unfocus you from your God ordained task- whatever it may be for this season… nursing, serving, singing, teaching, mothering, waiting

No one task greater than the other

So we have allowed fear to creep itself in & stay awhile. We begin to fear things, people, situations, places, memories. Then out of fear comes loss of control. And out of loss of control comes lack of trust. The snowball begins.

Until- we stop… look around… and ask—“what just happened?”

I asked another question… “what aren’t you focusing on?”

I was taken to Acts 16 in my reading. Paul & Silas find themselves in the middle of an angry mob, getting beaten half to death, & thrown in prison. How about that for fearful?

The worst situation imaginable while doing the work of the Lord.

What was their response?

Verse 25…“Around midnight, Paul & Silas were praying & singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them.”

I was floored. I have read that verse so many times growing up in the Lord, it never hit me like this… but so often the revelation of the Word of God comes to us  only when He knows we are ready.

How did they do this?

What were they focused on?

Their circumstance? Their lack or need? Their problems? Their unanswered prayers? Their situation?

They were so focused on God & praising Him for who He was that it blotted out what was going on around them & the lack they had.

They were zoomed out on the bigger picture, not zoomed in on themselves.

“Don’t let what’s wrong with you keep you from worshiping what’s right with God.”

As I read this, my spirit jumped. Remember this & live by this!

Making the choice to zoom out & focus on God will change your perspective & in the process- restore the joy of your salvation!

“Worship is zooming out and refocusing on the big picture. It’s refocusing on the fact that God unconditionally loves me when I least expect it & least deserve it. It’s refocusing on the fact that I have eternity with God to look forward to in a place where there is no mourning or sorrow or pain. It enables you to find something good to praise God about even when everything seems to be going wrong. It will be difficult, but one of the purest forms of worship is praising God even when you don’t feel like it because it proves that your worship isn’t conditional.”

Your focus determines your reality.

So… what are you focused on?

Reordering your focus reorders your day… in the simplest way… to praise Him!

I am working through my fears with Him guiding each step of the process, so my learned fears will be unlearned fears in due time.

The process is often difficult to swallow, especially when I find myself in situations like in a pit with a lion on a snowy day. But I know the outcome will only show God’s handiwork & craftsmanship in a girl who deserves so much less. He makes beauty from ashes. And in the begin, weren’t we all ashes of the earth? Trust Him through facing your fears so that they are no longer fears & no more a vice the enemy can use against you.

childlike

I was at my family’s place in Nashville around the fourth of July this year. They graciously moved up our family get together by a day since I was traveling to Canada the actual holiday. But as the food kept coming, kids running around everywhere, laughter, singing, music playing… I was taken back to when I was a kid and our family get together’s.

The smells of Thai food wafted through the entire house combined with a little this and a little that. All of us salivating and ready to bless the food and EAT! Looking at the array of food presented before us- pesto pizza, Thai chicken BBQ, mac-n-cheese, potato salad, quinoa salad, broccoli salad, berries & whipped cream, Oreo chocolate chip brownie (its like crack!), chocolate pie, peach cobbler, and I am sure I missed some things

The feast before us… We were reminded of the feast waiting for us in heaven. The banquet table, the wedding feast, our Father has prepared for us will be beyond what we could ever imagine. We all can’t wait to partake!

After dinner, we gathered all the kids in the front yard. Adults were plopped in their chairs- drinks in hand- kids running in the big front yard, soaked from the days rain.

Uncle Dave has the fireworks set up in the yard.

Bottle rockets, sparklers, long sparklers, big boomers, whistlers, and more were set up waiting for the kiddos to come- the only time for adult supervised playing with fire.  I am not sure who is more excited- the kids or Dave!

Eyes wide- glows of sparklers flying everywhere- clouds of colored smoke- kids squealing- adults laughing…

I was standing back with my cousin watching everything play out- almost in slow motion…

As I watched Dave playing with the kids I was reminded how he use to take the time and do this with us when we were kids. He hasn’t changed in this for 20 years. His eyes light up with the same amount of joy & a smile is plastered across his face while he gets to experience the pleasure and excitement with each kid as they hold sparklers.

“Isn’t it neat that even though 2 decades have passed, Dave is still just as excited to do fireworks just like when we were kids? I am not sure who is more excited… Dave or the kids.”

How refreshing it is to see an adult who understands the capacity to be as a child. If only more of us could play as a child plays, sing like a child sings, dance like a child dances, love as a child loves, and believe as a child believes… unashamed & uninhibited by what people think. Isn’t that what we are told in scripture- “unless you change & become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

What if we became more childlike… had

childlike faith... how would it look… what would change…

awakened to pray

I was awakened with a shove in the middle of the night. Slightly frightened but somewhat confused, I looked around. No one. My clock read 3am.

Seriously?!

What could He want? “Yes Holy Spirit?”

I took my earplugs out to see if I was missing something.

I heard it.

Loud and clear…

The memory of laying in Jerusalem every night listening to the same thing at the same hour came to me. I was woken an hour before the call to pray. In Jerusalem, a mainly Jewish & Christian nation, there was a tension in the air. Knowing the Muslims were in constant turmoil with Jews & Christians- you could feel the angst that was created when Ramadan was being celebrated.

In Jos, Nigeria, I did not find this same angst or atmosphere. Jos is predominantly a Muslim nation & it is Ramadan.

During Ramadan, practicing Muslims will fast and pray all day. Then all night they eat & celebrate. This is done for a month.

3am… I heard the call to precursor to the call to prayer… and some celebrating music in the background. I knew what the Holy Spirit wanted.

I wasn’t sure what to pray

So I listened… prayed in the Spirit… then felt the urge to thank God for being who He was.

Lord- you are the God of all languages. The One who knows our hearts & speaks to all hearts. Thank you that You are Omnipotent- Omnipresent- and never slumber. I do not know the hearts of Muslims nor will I try to imagine- but You do. I ask that you speak to their hearts as You know they need- that they would know You as their only God- that they would know Jesus as their Lord and Savior- dying for each life to live in eternity with You. Thank You that nothing is too big for You & that You long for their hearts to be Yours more than I. Be ever present in their minds- giving them dreams & visions of who You are. That they would believe in You- that they would love You- that they would seek only You- and that You would respond to the them like I know You desire. Thank You for each and every life that You created. To You be all glory and honor.

I am amazed that He would ask me a year later then remind me of a year past- to pray for a nation, to pray for a people group that He so desperately desires to know Him. This is who He is. The Creator of all things, having all power in His hands- yet giving man the free will to chose who his heart will love, who his heart will follow.

mourning to joy

Isaiah 63: 7

“I will tell of the kindness of the Lord, the deeds for which he is to be praised, according to all the Lord has done for ME- yes, the many good things he has done for ME, according to his compassion and many kindnesses.”

My heart if overwhelmed by your kindness & compassion. I think about 2.5 years ago being here on this land in Nigeria- what my heart felt, the emotions I experienced & expressed moment by moment. How different time has changed that. How much You have changed that. Just as in the aging of skin on a face, the aging of a building, the growth of a child, the overgrowth of greenery in an area… that change has happened in my heart.

Oh if I could only put to words the feeling my heart has, the joy within my soul for how the Lord held me, prepared me, ministered to me, spoke to me, molding every portion of my mind & heart… to love, to wait, to be still with Him

Isaiah 64:4 “since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait.”

You acted on my behalf in my waiting

People say- how do you see it that way? Your husband took everything from you… your stuff, your money, your dreams, even your dog. How has the Lord acted on your behalf in this? If anything, He has stood by watching the worst be done to you.

When the enemy plotted & schemed, taking what was a covenant & good, twisting thoughts & words to deceive a man who chose a different path leading away from God & all that is good & righteous- God did not just stand by.

Psalm 16:1-2

“keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, you are my Lord, apart from you I have nothing.”

Psalm 23:4

“even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”

Psalm 25:4

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”

Psalm 27:1-9

“The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked come to devour me, it is my enemies & my foes who will stumble and fall… though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. One thing I ask from the Lord, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent & at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord…”

Psalm 30:2

“Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.”

Isaiah 54

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because many are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband. Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband- the Lord Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit- a wife who married young, only to be rejected, says your God… though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed… all your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace. In righteousness you will be established… whoever attacks you will surrender to you… no weapon formed against you will prevail… this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”

His mighty wings have overcome me- the protection of my King, my Lover, my Friend, my Daddy…

He rescued me day in & day out, leading me, some days, moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath

My heart broken into a million pieces, yet He caught each piece

His love being the glue I needed to put it back together

The process- the walking out of my salvation & God’s love- the waiting… was exactly what I needed.

My heart even now is being healed of ischemic areas I allowed- but He is the Heart Surgeon

Isaiah 61

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.  They will rebuild the ancient ruins & restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations, and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed. I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and a bride adorns her head with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.”

Only He can restore

Only He can renew

Only He can take ashes and make beauty- just like He took the dirt of the ground and created man. Knowing each intricate detail needed- leaving nothing unfinished and nothing left to waste