Thursday, August 14, 2014

back in the waiting room

0545 this morning, I began my drive to work this morning. Having been in an odd funk or feeling for the last several days- I had yet to put words to what was going on.
The sun peaked over the clouds, painting the sky multiple shades of orange, pink, & purple.
I thought... this is no warning to sailors- this is God's canvas He has began so early in the morning.

Thank You, God for Your beautiful paintings that never look the same.
I thought of how He is a constant, yet every changing God. Constant in know He loves me, He will never leave me, He will never forsake me, He will discipline me when needed, He will hold me & heal me when needed, YET, He is always changing because He is so creative. Always creating things on this earth, in me, all around me.
How can this be???
My small capacity of brain & intellect cannot figure it out- but... I receive that You are always changing yet always constant. And I thank You.

So- as I made the turn onto 283- I remember my eyes filling with tears.
Why?? What is wrong with me??
I have everything I  could ever need & joy beyond belief, yet I have tears flowing down my face.
Why God? Why am I crying? You know me better than I know myself- tell me please why I feel this way, what is happening to me.
I am haunted by the inability to focus on things beyond my daily activities.
I am frustrated & tired & itching at the seams to run!
Why cant I run yet???
Why cant I sit still and wait with You?
Didn't I just learn how to do this? Didn't I just get through this, yet here it is again?
Why haven't you sold my house? Why have you put me in a new job that takes me completely out of my comfort zone? Why cant I begin to save money for the move I know is coming?
Why?! Why?! Why?!

Then... just in that moment- a car goes speeding by me. Knowing the speed limit all the way to Harrisburg is 65mph with some road work areas- I am pushing 70mph- he was going 80-85mph.
As his car flashed by me- I stated out loud in my car (like he would hear me, haha)...
"oh my word! how impatient people in the US are. I guess it isn't just in the US- it's everywhere. Why are they in such a hurry to get to where they are going?"
dang it!!!
I heard- "hmmm, that's you April.

the feeling of dejection & frustration came over me- wow! If that wasn't for me...
Thank you Holy Spirit for Your revelations.

That speeding car was a reminder that I am hurrying to get to the next place
I may know the next destination- but only He knows what the road is like up ahead, what curves or traffic are ahead of me.

Repentant heart- I began to pray & cry & praise Him.

What an amazing Daddy You are- that You see what is ahead, You give me glimpses of potential things to come, You know that I am imperfect & will fail so many times, You know that I am impatient beyond belief, You know that I want to dabble my hands in the cookies before they are cooked- and yet...
You pick me up, You set me down in the perfect garden, You wait for me to wait for You.

Thank You- that You are willing to create in me (constantly) a newness, a wholeness, qualities and attributes that You want to last, & beauty greater than the physical.
Thank You Abba, for loving me that much....