life & death

Over the last few weeks, the topic of life & death has been in high volume. As a nurse- I see lots of death & have become what some might say as ‘quite numb or callused’ to it.

To my own defense- I disagree.

My view of death & life has been greatly changed over the last few years as my experiences all over the world have opened my eyes. For so long, as many parts of my life & within my mind, death & life were compartmentalized. The nice neat boxes I kept them in on the high shelf of the filing cabinet of my mind, were all at once picked up, unwrapped, & opened wide. The walls of the boxes were torn down exposing the hidden secrets inside. The secrets God wanted me to know, to experience.

Death in my own family & death from strangers I took care of became the practice ground of the knowledge He was feeding me.

Death is a part of life, just as much as birth-- the only permanent thing of this world besides tattoos- only because they still stick with you after death- they just look different as skin ages & melts away in yet another box 6 feet under.

Death was not something I feared, but something I saw others fear.

I saw death in a different light in Nigeria. It seemed to be fully embraced by all. A family member got sick- went to the hospital- poor prognosis, they gathered the family around, spent time together, words together, last memories shared & they died. It was seen as a part of life.

How different it is in America. Fear is coupled with the word death.

But why?

What about death are we afraid of… all that will be missed, all that wasn’t done, all that wasn’t said, or is it what lies after. Do we just stop existing or is there more—hell, heaven, eternity in one of the two.

Do you know where you will go?

Are 100% sure?

This is what makes life so wonderful- security of knowing eternity is yet to come. For me- eternity with Jesus far outweighs that of this life on Earth. But for most- 100% assurance is not coupled with death or eternity.

As I looked into his face, as he shook uncontrollably with Parkinson’s & dementia,  between gulps of thickened water he gasps for air, I saw life.

I also saw death coming & as ease of someone who had no clue it was wuickly approaching. As he talked about doing his grandma’s dishes, letting the youngster at the door crawl into bed with him so he could sleep, & pulling the blanket up to his mouth to chew on… this man was none the wiser.

Ninety-six years of life lay in bed before me with nothing but smiles & stories. Hating hearing the sound of his audible junky lungs filling up with fluid, I wanted his stories to continue, but fought with the notion that peace is coming with his last breaths around the bend.

I thought for a moment- “how did I get this privilege to do this? to see people of all ages & walks of life exit this world & begin eternity? to be present with someone, caring for them in their last moments.”

I thought of the conversation my girlfriends & I have been having the last few days about this very thing…

Death being certain, time being uncertain, & what do we do?

His eyes stare back at me as he offers some of his thickened water to me, & my eyes fill with tears. I wished I knew what he did, where he lived, how many children, what he had seen & heard & done. Did he love Jesus?

He didn’t even realize it was Easter until I told him, & he smiled. Maybe a flash of what Easter meant flew through his mind & heart. I wonder how he celebrated Easter all these years.

As the rambling of stories & nonsense phrases came out- I rubbed his arm & held his hand. This precious trembling hand—he sunk back in his bed & relaxed.

I thought of Jesus praying in the garden hours before his arrest. All he asked His disciples to do was stay up & pray with Him.

Wait up with Him as He anguished over His last moments before death.

It hit hard as I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Wait up with him…

head in the clouds

I opened the window shade to find a sea of white- a beautiful landscape of open sky & sunshine. The clouds lay as a massive down comforter with a few large pillows in the distance. It was peaceful up here. Almost as a far away land we rarely visit.

I felt like a child seeing the clouds for the first time. When time was spent lying in the grass looking up at what cloud creatures God was drawing together for me- a dinosaur, a bird, a ship, a dragon. The list seemed to never end in our child like minds.

As we started our decent, it looked as if we were skirting the clouds like birds just above the water in search of fish. It made time stand still. All I could think was ‘this is a mere glimpse of the beauty of heaven & what God sees everyday.’ Eternity in child-like minds, child-like faith, child-like imaginations… forever in awe of Him, with nothing to distract or take away from it; forever without the pain & brokenness of life.

We dipped into the clouds like watching cotton candy circling around before it sticks to its holder & is passed off to be consumed.

This land of white puffy clouds- unable to see ahead of me, around me, behind me… isn’t this where He wants me to be always with Him- trusting His eyes, His leading, His way?

The clouds thinned & the sun disappeared only to prove that rain & grey winter was very present. The land of mortality, reality awaits me.

Why not keep this child-like image going, why not include it in your day to day.

How is more of the question I ask.

How do I live each day with Your mind, Your thoughts, Yours actions, Your life as my life? How can I remain with you while on this earth?

I immediately go back to the study I am in throws with—The Broken Way. I am discovering that it is the only way to live. As hard as it is, it is also very simple.

I re-read the words, “Why do you people always say it’s about having a strong belief in God? Who sits with the knowing that God’s belief in you is even stronger than yours in Him? You may believe in God, but never forget—it’s God who believes in you. Every morning that the sun rises & you get to rise, that’s God saying He believes in you, that He believes in the story He’s writing through you. He believes in you as a gift the world needs.”

The land of endless clouds- of quiet- of light- of this reminder that He believes in me more than I in Him—it reminds me that ‘His mercies are new every morning- not as an obligation to me, but as an affirmation of me.’

“A bruised reed he will not break, & a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.”(Isaiah 42:3) 

“For he remembered that we are merely mortal, gone like a breath of wind that never returns.” (Psalm 78:39)

His mercies are seen very clearly & quietly while in the clouds—now just to believe it & live it daily below the clouds where it really matters.

Do I live my life like I fully believe that?

How do I believe in Jesus in a way that Jesus believes in me?

As the plane landed & parked, people frantically grabbing their items & bags, ready to rush off the plane & on to the next thing- I swallowed hard, trying not to forget this moment- this present reality of God with me, stirring me. And I laugh as I fold the book I am studying in my bag… for such a time when reality is hard & healing is needed, You will not let me forget what I so desperately need, & what You so desperately want me to believe.