Sunday, April 3, 2016

fighting flesh

I was recently asked... "does dating a man that isn't completely devoted to God scare you? Because you have been hurt in a past relationship with a man who was not devoted to God? But you know that God is a person that will never let you down- so therefore you seek that in a man?"

I thought a moment
my response... Yes

It had never been verbalized or asked of me in that manner- but that was it. 
Was this a fear? yes but more of a choice of a way of life. 
I fight my flesh everyday
fighting to beat back the tendencies to be judgmental or let anything come out of my mouth or lacking compassion or kindness. to live and do whatever it is I want. 
That is not my way of living any longer
I have chosen to live a different life. To be a different person. And that- I am. 

I have fought within myself over the last 3-4 weeks about online dating or dating in general. Do I? Don't I? now? later?  The answer came clearly as I began to have the increased longing inside to not be alone- to seek companionship- to feel the full affects of loneliness- lack love & admiration of a man. All those things and more I desire very strongly. I want to be in relationship. I desire it. 
It was like waking up startled & frightened. If I seek it out now... it will not be in His timing or with the right frame of mind. 

A sigh of relief left me

There was no rush. He wasn't rushing- so why would I?

Then I heard it- God is stabilizing you in this season. 

That's it

If I enter into a relationship prematurely- without a stable foundation, not talking of just a foundation in Him but- in which He is healing me, suring up my foundation in Him, mending my broken heart, & rewiring my way to love & be loved by another- I will only be filling the void. 

It was said perfectly in a sermon... "He is stabilizing my emotions, my commitment, my ambition, my relationships, & my BELIF in Him."

I want the more He has promised me. And that more- I am willing to wait for. 

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