I realized today that my prayer life was suffering because I did not see my request answered as I thought it should be. Not that I doubted God as all powerful or able to give miracles- that I had seen before my eyes many times.
I did not lack confidence in who God is or what He could do. Rather, that He would give me what I asked for. After all, I was asking for a reconciliation of a man to Himself & to his marriage.
I saw my request as righteous & holy. Asking for a man who once loved God with all his heart to return to his Master & for a godly covenant between 2 people to be restored. It was not unreasonable. Nor was it impossible.
But today- I realized I was holding this against God. As if any other prayer might not be answered just like the last was not.
With the verbalizing of my heart- I felt somewhat free.
It doesn’t change the fact that my prayer was unanswered or the fact that I wasn’t praying much these days now. But oddly, when verbalizing this to my sister in Christ- it freed me. It opened the door to be addressed, to converse about. Not by my sister, but by God.
He began to speak very softly to the inner most part of my heart…
I heard the words very clearly in my online Sunday service tonight- “let go of your past- let go of what God did not give you- because if He didn’t give it to you, you didn’t need it.”
Tears streamed down my face as my eyes saw for the first time what I was holding on to. What I was allowing to hinder me. What I was allowing to disappoint me. How could I be disappointed in the One who knew exactly what I needed & did not need before I was even born? How could I be disappointed in He who gave me all He had to save a wretch like me? He who put all things into motion before time began.
If God did not give me what I asked for, then I do not need it.
I will continue to pray for the reconciliation of a man to God, and to receive the grace of Your provision in this season!