failure

I recently had the experience of being called a failure as a nurse. This is the second time in my life &  almost 10 year career as a nurse to be called a failure. 

As it sunk in through the rest of my shift, its roots kept growing deeper- doubts kept in- anger- frustration

No tears would fall that night- no words against the person would come out- it would be held inside where it festered.

As the next morning woke me, I quickly discovered the same feeling & emotions were still lingering. 

as I opened my devotional- I remember being desperate for something to help me- I prayed... "Lord, You see my heart & You see the stain that one person's words have left on me. Help me up from this hit."

Mark 6:3-4 "Is this not the carpenter, the Son of Mary, and brother s James, Joses, Judas, and Simon? And are not His sisters here with us? So they were offended at Him. But Jesus said to them, A prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives, and in his own house."

With tears streaming down my face- I saw it-- I felt it--- God had wrapped His loving arms around me & just held me there, reminding me that Jesus, in his home town with his own siblings was no honored or accepted. What a comfort in knowing that He knows exactly how I feel.

He reminded me that I will not do things perfectly, I will make mistakes, but I am no failure. 

Jesus kept after what He knew His purpose was while on Earth- it doesn't mean it didn't hurt or that He didn't feel the emotions we feel. But He held on tight to His Father because He knew it would all work out- that He would succeed & do the most amazing thing in the world. 

fighting flesh

I was recently asked... "does dating a man that isn't completely devoted to God scare you? Because you have been hurt in a past relationship with a man who was not devoted to God? But you know that God is a person that will never let you down- so therefore you seek that in a man?"

I thought a moment

my response... Yes

It had never been verbalized or asked of me in that manner- but that was it. 

Was this a fear? yes but more of a choice of a way of life. 

I fight my flesh everyday

fighting to beat back the tendencies to be judgmental or let anything come out of my mouth or lacking compassion or kindness. to live and do whatever it is I want. 

That is not my way of living any longer

I have chosen to live a different life. To be a different person. And that- I am. 

I have fought within myself over the last 3-4 weeks about online dating or dating in general. Do I? Don't I? now? later?  The answer came clearly as I began to have the increased longing inside to not be alone- to seek companionship- to feel the full affects of loneliness- lack love & admiration of a man. All those things and more I desire very strongly. I want to be in relationship. I desire it. 

It was like waking up startled & frightened. If I seek it out now... it will not be in His timing or with the right frame of mind. 

A sigh of relief left me

There was no rush. He wasn't rushing- so why would I?

Then I heard it- God is stabilizing you in this season. 

That's it

If I enter into a relationship prematurely- without a stable foundation, not talking of just a foundation in Him but- in which He is healing me, suring up my foundation in Him, mending my broken heart, & rewiring my way to love & be loved by another- I will only be filling the void. 

It was said perfectly in a sermon... "He is stabilizing my emotions, my commitment, my ambition, my relationships, & my BELIF in Him."

I want the more He has promised me. And that more- I am willing to wait for.