Forgiveness

I never thought I would be staring it in the face- I thought it was over- I thought his chance was done. I honestly thought I would never see him again.
But with God there are a million second chances- and that is what I was looking dead in the face.
Do you remember the prayers your prayed
the tears you cried that were silent prayers
the moans from the depths of your being crying out to God for mercy, for help.
If I did not remember them, He would remind me over the next few days, weeks, months.
I thought I had forgiven him
I had worked so hard over the last 2 years to forgive and move forward. And I thought I had... But He thought otherwise.
The text was there- how do I respond God? what do I say?
Help me Lord!
All i felt and heard within me was... be kind & forgiving

As I opened my bible study booklet the next day, the title stared me in the face.
Forgiveness.

Okay God- I hear what you are wanting me to walk through.
How?
His response... just watch & be willing!

I began learning just what it means when God forgives me. The slate is clean.
He teaches me from my weak sin moments, of course, but He no longer holds those accounts against me.
How is this humanly possible God? How do I do this when so many hurts have been done? I desire to forgive & forget, but how do I do it?
Just watch & be willing!

He led me to multiple scriptures over the next few days. And I was soaking in every word He would give me. Yearned to hear what He had to say- how to respond- what to do- how to even breath.
I remember this place not so long ago- as if i was repeating time over again.
but with a different feeling this time... a different purpose
A peace- a freedom- a knowing that no matter what, I was right where I needed to be... being held together in my Daddy's arms.

Isaiah 43:18-19 "forget the old history. Be alert. Watch. I have already begun a new thing."

This is what you have pressed upon my heart.
to forgive & forget... because love is patient and kind, it is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude, it does not demand its own way, it is not irritable, it keeps no record of being wronged, it does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out, it never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

This is how His love is to me
If I could only imitate just a small portion of this to those around me, how different I would be

This is what He asked of me... to love others
I believe if God thinks he is worth being forgiven, then I will obey

what has been amazing over the last few weeks is the freedom that I feel
I know without a doubt that, no matter what happens, I can walk away knowing I have walked in forgiveness because God showed me how. And that is a miracle.

Soul Cry

How do you find the words to pray, to speak to the Holy of Holy?

I cant…

So I am grateful that He knows what each tear and wail mean.

 

I am learning tonight that a soul cry captivates the ears of God- the attention of all of Heaven actually.

I can remember this same feeling almost 3 years ago- knowing all of heaven drew their attention to earth at that moment. That the Holy Spirit was circling me. That Jesus was in the throne room pleading my case.

the King of Kings coming off His throne- laying His crown down- tears streaming down His face, pleading my case before God.

It overwhelms me

That He has such a vested interest in me, who even now fights her flesh and mind and heart back to stay focused on Him.

Praying tears and not words for someone else’s soul creates an atmosphere that moves the heart of God.

As I ask Him to help me in the present, He tends to me… I feel Him holding me as He breaths His life in me with Isaiah 43:18-19 (MSG) ““forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. Watch. I am about to do something brand-new.”

The enemy seeks to keep a man wounded. He is only out to kill, steal, & destroy- but even more so when he knows how great the potential of this person for the Kingdom of God. So when we fight in the spirit for someone who is kept wounded- the battle is always intense. But when you serve the Warrior King, you have no fear.

In 2013, I asked for the greatest warrior angels in heaven to surround a man shielding any new arrows from the enemy and dealing with the ones presently wounding him. That same vision was brought back today.

I stand grateful that God has taught my heart what is greater than the things here on earth or the things done to me- and teaches me still how to contend for someone’s heart & soul.

Be alert- be present- watch…

Brokenness

I have experienced pain… not just physical on a small scale, but emotional. Pain reminds me that I am human- that I have emotions in abundance- that life is real. Whether caused by self or by someone else- pain can be humbling.

I find myself walking through the stings of a painful heart and I am reminded of my brokenness.

To feel broken

It is hard to explain but it is exactly where God want us to be just prior to His wings of salvation engulfing you.

How sweet the sound of brokenness is to Him

I was reading in John 12 about the seed…vs24 “Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, then it produces many seeds.”

To break off layers of pride, selfishness, & self-trust is how spiritual power grows. When a seed is planted & begins to cultivate within the soil, it begins to open and shed its outer layers for the inside to begin to root & blossom into what it is designed to be.

The same is true for us.

“The flesh must be broken so the Spirit of God in you can surface. Your old patterns of thinking and acting have to be broken so that the real power can emerge. The term broken heart does not mean sadness. It means a soul whose self-life has been exposed and its held broken by the Spirit’s power.”

This is an ongoing process.

 As I am learning this over again, I am reminded that “true brokenness is losing all faith in your own abilities, abandoning dependence on human resources, and disavowing all outward pretensions of righteousness to cling to the Spirit of God as if to a lifeline.”

God loves a broken & contrite heart- because He can work with it.

My reading then takes me to Jeremiah 4:3… “break up your unplowed ground.”

Ouch!

As I read it, I knew things were about to hurt. Fighting with God about allowing Him to break up my unplowed ground was not a fight I was willing to win. I knew I had to break, or spend each day with a tormented heart, which was way worse!

So I yielded.

Then as He began to plow, He reminded me of Matthew 13:3-9… “Listen! A farmer went out to plant some seeds. He scattered some across the field- some landed on the footpath & the birds came to eat them; others fell on shallow soil with underlying rock & spouted quickly but did not have deep roots; some fell among the thorns which chocked them out; but others fell on fertile soil where they produced a crop that was 30, 60, & 100 times as much as had been planted.”

He was reminding me where He wanted me to be & what He had for me. I had to allow Him to plow the soil of my heart & life- so He could give me 100 times more than I could imagine.

“A seed is just a seed & will remain nothing but a seed until it is placed in the proper environment.”

There was no more rationalizing my actions or thoughts; no more managing or manipulating or forcing things into the mold of my expectations. I could not fight it anymore. I relinquished to He who knows me better than I know myself- my Creator, my Abba.  

I will continue to walk through my pain & emotions- with a broken heart & head held high, eyes fixed on Jesus, so that He may create in me a clean heart- a heart fertile enough to produce a harvest for my King.

Oh that He loves me enough to spend so much time & never giving up on me. Thank You Lord.

Disappointment

After going through my life changing event- I found that there are times where life is just happening. I am in the mundane of another day- feeling nothing or feeling too much.
I have found myself with many questions for God. Ones I had never asked before or thought would ever come up.

Why did you allow things to happen this way?

Why didn’t you intervene? Why didn’t you change one small thing that would send things in a different direction?

Why?

God asked me to just say what I felt- “I can handle what you want to say.”

So I said it… I am disappointed that You didn’t do something.

I said it.

I don’t feel any better. I actually feel worse.

I am disappointed in God.

The silence hit

My mind was frozen only for a moment, then I heard Him say, “my love is not forced.”

Tears start streaming down my face.

How do I overcome this God? How do I stop living with the hurt of disappointment?

I have been disappointed so many times in my life by people who love me, how do I continue to walk in life trying to love people as You ask me to do?

How did Jesus do this? He was betrayed by those closest to Him. His own family laughed at Him. Those who claimed to love Him threw him to the wolves. How did He do this?

I verbalized that men were disappointing. I verbalized that I would rather be alone, unmarried, without children of my own the rest of my life than live a life with a disappointing man.

I heard the song Heroes by Amanda Cook- “teach my feet to dance on disappointment.”

It has stuck with me for weeks.

How God? How do I get out of the rut of disappointment?  How do I dance on disappointment?

He has started reminding me of my imperfections and how He makes me perfect. He reminded me what He did do during my life changing event. He reminded me that there are good godly men in the world by giving my visions of my brother and his family, a few of his friends, and a few around me.

How quickly I have forgotten.

Yes- life has not gone the way I would liked it to, but within me & around me- it has become so much of what He originally designed. My daily communion with Him- my relationship that never ceases is what the goal of life really is.

Isn’t that why He created us in the first place? He wanted a creature made in His image that would choose to daily walk with Him & talk to Him & love Him freely.

I must choose to continue to do that even when people choose to hurt me, disappoint me, or even love me. That must never change.

Really and truly He has not disappointment me- my disappointment comes from my wants/picture not being met & a man choosing to change his path in life without me. And that… I have to accept & move on.

In this morning’s quiet time, I read the words to a hymn written by Reginald Heber in 1826…

Holy Holy Holy! Lord God Almighty! Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee. Holy Holy Holy, merciful and mighty! God in three Persons blessed Trinity! Holy Holy Holy! All saints adore Thee, casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea; Cherubim & Seraphin falling down before Thee, who was, and is, and evermore shall be. Holy Holy Holy! Though the darkness hid Thee, though the eye of sinful man Thy glory may not see; only thou art holy; there is none beside Thee, perfect in power, in love and purity. Holy Holy Holy! Lord God Almighty! All thy works shall praise Thy name, in earth and sky and sea; Holy Holy Holy; merciful and mighty! God in three Persons blessed Trinity!

“Herber learned that God is not like men; He does not fail. We see everything through the lens of our own experiences, and it’s difficult not to let our sight be marred and limited by our own impurity and sin. To understand God as He is, perfect in power, love and purity, will change how we see our world- disappointments, plans, and joys.”

focused fear

During the preparation period before departing for Nigeria, I was made aware of fear.

What was fear? Fear is worry, dread, anxiety, distress, alarm, panic, opposite of assurance.

What were my fears?

Death or dying… no

Snakes or spiders or bugs… no

Small tight spaces or elevators… no

What is your greatest fear?

Is it something staring you in the face at present? Or is it something you have placed very distant from you & try to avoid?

On my very long flights to Africa, I had plenty of time to ponder them.

What were my greatest fears?

After figuring them out, I began reading a book on fear- “In a pit with a lion on a snowy day.”

Frightening concept, huh?!

But it isn’t meant to be.

I am learning how to reorder my fear, so that it isn’t fearful at all.

God did not give us a spirit of fear… quite the opposite… He gave us a spirit of sound mind & a peaceable spirit.

How is this done?

Focus…

I answered one question with another… what are you focusing on?

The enemy is out to unfocus you from your God ordained task- whatever it may be for this season… nursing, serving, singing, teaching, mothering, waiting

No one task greater than the other

So we have allowed fear to creep itself in & stay awhile. We begin to fear things, people, situations, places, memories. Then out of fear comes loss of control. And out of loss of control comes lack of trust. The snowball begins.

Until- we stop… look around… and ask—“what just happened?”

I asked another question… “what aren’t you focusing on?”

I was taken to Acts 16 in my reading. Paul & Silas find themselves in the middle of an angry mob, getting beaten half to death, & thrown in prison. How about that for fearful?

The worst situation imaginable while doing the work of the Lord.

What was their response?

Verse 25…“Around midnight, Paul & Silas were praying & singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them.”

I was floored. I have read that verse so many times growing up in the Lord, it never hit me like this… but so often the revelation of the Word of God comes to us  only when He knows we are ready.

How did they do this?

What were they focused on?

Their circumstance? Their lack or need? Their problems? Their unanswered prayers? Their situation?

They were so focused on God & praising Him for who He was that it blotted out what was going on around them & the lack they had.

They were zoomed out on the bigger picture, not zoomed in on themselves.

“Don’t let what’s wrong with you keep you from worshiping what’s right with God.”

As I read this, my spirit jumped. Remember this & live by this!

Making the choice to zoom out & focus on God will change your perspective & in the process- restore the joy of your salvation!

“Worship is zooming out and refocusing on the big picture. It’s refocusing on the fact that God unconditionally loves me when I least expect it & least deserve it. It’s refocusing on the fact that I have eternity with God to look forward to in a place where there is no mourning or sorrow or pain. It enables you to find something good to praise God about even when everything seems to be going wrong. It will be difficult, but one of the purest forms of worship is praising God even when you don’t feel like it because it proves that your worship isn’t conditional.”

Your focus determines your reality.

So… what are you focused on?

Reordering your focus reorders your day… in the simplest way… to praise Him!

I am working through my fears with Him guiding each step of the process, so my learned fears will be unlearned fears in due time.

The process is often difficult to swallow, especially when I find myself in situations like in a pit with a lion on a snowy day. But I know the outcome will only show God’s handiwork & craftsmanship in a girl who deserves so much less. He makes beauty from ashes. And in the begin, weren’t we all ashes of the earth? Trust Him through facing your fears so that they are no longer fears & no more a vice the enemy can use against you.