Thursday, February 4, 2016

less or more

It is like the zoom out button was being pushed
I could see the back & top of my head, 
the bar I was sitting at, the sushi I was eating, 
the people sitting at the other end of the bar, & 
the bar tender
I suddenly became very aware of how quiet the noise around us had gotten & how in-tune I become of our conversation

I had been praying all week that I would be aware of what was being said or talked about at our dinner this week
 I wanted to see things as they really were & how he really was 
I want wisdom & clarity
so as the tuning in began- I was not surprised but relieved.
"You never leave me & You are not slow in answer my prayers. Your timing is perfect & I thank You for allowing this strange yet amazing moment to occur."
he was doing so well in life- the money, the job, the house, the travel, the friends, the social life, the dog, the memories, the girls, the sex... yet there was an emptiness to his answers. 
Knowing what the emptiness was & who wanted to fill it... I found myself very sad
My heart was saddened further as I had to lead the conversations and ask questions of him or his life or his job or old memories from our past & his... 
Why was it not reciprocated? Why did I not feel myself? Why could I not talk about the things my heart desired so much to talk about- especially with him? Why couldn't I tell him what God had done in my life & with me? Why couldn't I speak about who I was?
As we walked to his place- we were met with a wet wiggly creature, very happy to see us. As we sat and watched ESPN in silence... my heart continued to be saddened. 
I looked around and felt an even deeper emptiness. 
I was tired and somewhat broken down by what I was in the midst of. 
I left feeling empty & cold.
I immediately laid it out before God the moment I sat in my car. 
"Well- You let me see things clearly, thank Yo for that. why is this so difficult? Is this what You have for me? Is this what You want for me?"
My question was once again met with the same question as weeks prior... "Is this what YOU want, April?"


a few days pass & I was faced with the life changing decision I knew had been coming my way.
 It didn't look like I expected but I was painfully aware of its existence. 

Is this what YOU want, April?

Moments before this, I had spent what felt like wasted energy on responding to someone who was trying to shake every decision I had made in my life. Why I chose to get married in the first place- why I chose the military- my daddy issues- my mother issues- my decision to go all in with God & each decision made recently as I laid them before God & waited- my divorce- my lack of contentment & (what they thought) happiness- my dog- my house- my passion for missions & travel- my nursing career- my choice of state to live in
all creating a slow rise in my heart rate until the words- I hate God- came across the screen

tears welled up
skin hot & red
I was boiling with anger!

Just focus on getting out of work then you can loose yourself at His feet

And the moment I stepped onto the pavement to my car... the tears and wails came
I am not sure I have been so angry in all my life
"God- do they know that they are the problem? They don't know how to love because they don't see Love as it truly is... YOU!
They hate You & You have done nothing but love them & die for them. 
I dont understand. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to come Home."
As I laid before His throne- unable to speak or pray.. moans & tears were all I had for my Daddy. 
I saw Him get up from His mighty throne, kneel down to cover me, wrapping me in His arms... His hand catching ever tear. 
As I laid there being held by my Father, it grew so silent & still... the intensity of His love was overflowing
I didn't want it to end!

I sat up. 
"This is who I am. I long for the moments that You break my heart for what breaks Yours. My heart yearns for Your presence. I am me because of You. You are in me & if I can't share that- I am nothing. I like who You have made me to be. I like who I am.       God- if I can't be me... if I can't be who You have made me to be with a man- then I don't want him. I can't be myself with him... so I do not choose him."
I heard God say so softly... "Really?!"
"Yes God. This is not what I want. I want the more You have promised me."
I felt my spirit stand tall- chin held high- I am choosing God, not the good- and even though I don't know and can't see it, I still choose it, because it is the best thing- a God thing. My spirit began to walk straight- focused- each step was planted firmly on the foundation- freedom pulsing through me
I want more- I want God

I felt God hushing the angels in heaven to listen to my answer for the second time in my life. 
I moved His gaze- stopped His heartbeat for a moment... 
when you have tasted so sweet a love like this... there is no comparison in all the world

He began to give me instructions after this 
"you can pray for him 
you can only love him-not like you have once before loved him, but only like I love him
you must open your mouth & speak truth to him- it is no where else in his life but here
you can be his friend- with walls like Jericho around you- no climbing out- no climbing in
and lastly- you cannot wait for him. you must not wait on him. you must continue to move forward because I HAVE MORE FOR YOU!"
He was direct- on a mission- and concise with each direction

Life continues forward- better than the moment before it- more clear- more real- more beautiful...
           This was a piece of the more He had been talking about & there is MORE to come

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